


the fleeting joy i'd get from adding more smoke to the sky

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders is a Sweetheart, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Dysfunctional Family, Established Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:22:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Roman feels particularly insecure one day, and all of his worries about Janus cheating boil over.Janus has a panic attack.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	the fleeting joy i'd get from adding more smoke to the sky

**Author's Note:**

> EXTRA TWS: PAST MENTION/TALK OF TOXIC PARENT (FATHER), MENTION OF AGGRESSIVE-ISH FATHER, EXPECTING TO BE HIT/PUNISHED FOR THE MAJORITY OF THE FIC, DOOR SLAM, ONE TAKES THE OTHER'S PHONE, NAUSEA/VOMIT MENTION, WORDS LIKE "IDIOT"/"MORON"/"BRAINDEAD", NICKNAMES LIKE "HONEY"/"SWEETIE"/"DEAR", REPEATING WORDS, FEAR OF PHYSICAL/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BUT NOTHING HAPPENS
> 
> lemme know if there's more :') <3

Janus has a hard time opening up. 

In which scenario's where Janus hides his phone whenever Roman comes near him and that makes Roman feel bad ( _because Janus might be cheating or something_ ) but he wanted to ignore it and push it off as him just being insecure so he didn't bring it up.. until one day.

\---

Roman had just walked in and Janus, once again ( _but a little more quickly this time_ ), hides his phone behind his back. 

Roman gets fed up and bursts -- he'd had enough of his boyfriend always hiding his phone from him, "Are you cheating on me?!" 

Janus denies it, because no, of course he isn't-- but Roman keeps insisting on wanting to take his phone and Janus just weakly protests before Roman snags the phone out of his hands.

Janus is trembling, Roman's never been.. _like this_ before. 

Roman, in his fit of rage, marches out of the room, Janus's phone in hand.

He feels a slight pang of guilt as he heard sniffles from behind the door that he just slammed shut, but it wasn't enough to break him out of his mindset. 

Janus, on the other hand, was now quickly dissolving into a panic attack.

This was all his fault! 

If he didn't hide his phone whenever he so much as _felt_ like Roman was coming in the room, he wouldn't have felt the need to take his phone like that. 

He now realized how that looked, but the only reason he did that was because it was habit! 

That doesn't make it right and especially since Roman didn't know-- 

Janus was just so used to his parents..

Everytime they'd come in a room he was in or even anywhere near him, they'd look over at him and make fun of whatever he was watching or doing and call him stupid, a moron, braindead, why is he so stupid-- etcetera. 

And Janus really didn't want Roman to make fun of him.

He didn't have a good (or even decent) relationship with his father (who was more prone to the insults) so it hurt less.

But.. he loved Roman, and they were dating, so.. it'd hurt so much more.

Especially since during the first few months of them meeting, they.. didn't exactly get along.

And Janus was so afraid it could go back to that.

Or that it never actually changed, that Roman still hated him, that this was an elaborate play with his emotions for some sick need.

Realistically, Janus knew he didn't have anything incriminating on his phone, but.. what if he did? 

What if he was doing something bad?

He's not doing anything bad as far as he knows.. but what if Roman thinks something is bad? 

What if he lies about finding something and when Janus denies it, Roman will insist that he's right and that Janus is wrong and he'll have no evidence but if Janus tries to question him, he'll either threaten to hit him-- or- or he'll-- 

Janus couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe.

Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck-

Roman was so mad at him, he'd come back any second and- and he'd hit-- 

He'd come back and he'd tell and he'd hit and he'd call Janus stupid and weak for this, for panicking like this, he'd grab his hair and yank his head up and slap his cheek and scream at him to calm down and just breathe and stop hyperventilating and he's being stupid and it's all his fault because if Janus hadn't made him get angry then he wouldn't be angry and Janus should know better and-

Suddenly, Roman's footsteps could be heard through his sharp, unsteady breathing. 

He was coming back to hit him.

He's coming back to punish him. 

Is it going to stop at a couple hits or punches?

How much punishment will Roman deem fit?

Will Janus get his door taken away?

He definitely won't get to hang out with the group now, but will he even be allowed to leave the house? 

It's fine, whatever the punishment is.

It's justified.

He deserves it.

Janus fucked up, so he.. deserves to be in trouble.

_You deserve it, you deserve it, you deserve it, you deserve--_

_- ~~\- gonna hit you--~~_

~~_\-- just like father --_ ~~

~~_\-- deserve it--_ ~~

Janus couldn't think.

Nothing but those true thoughts.

They kept swirling around his mind, consuming him, suffocating, overbearing ( _just like him_ \--), and he-- he couldn't breathe--

But not like that matters, he deserves it anyway.

He did bad.

He's bad.

_He's bad._

In trouble.

Made Roman mad.

Angry.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad bad. Bad bad bad bad bad bad. Bad bad bad bad.

Roman's mad. He's mad. He's mad. He's mad. He's so mad. Angry. Mad. At him. Mad at him. Roman's angry with him. Mad. Angry. Mad he's mad he's fucking mad. 

Janus's thoughts got suddenly cut off by the sound of the door opening.

He didn't notice, but it was considerablely softer than when Roman had left. 

Janus's breathe seemed to get faster.

It was seconds away.

Away from his punishment.

He knows he deserves whatever Roman thinks he does, but.. he's still balls-deep in panic.

He doesn't know why.

He has no reason to be -- he deserves it.

But he is.

Janus is so fucking weak, so pathetic, so disgusting, gross, made him _angry_.

Distantly, he thinks he heard Roman's voice, but uh; panic attack.

Then something - _Roman_ \- touched him.

It was Roman, of course, but for a moment he couldn't process that.

He just knew they'd hit him.

And that he would deserve it.

So, despite _knowing_ what's coming, he still flinches when Roman touches him.

His thoughts quieted.

Roman made a pained noise, probably at him flinching away.

But _why_? 

Is he upset because Janus doesn't want to get hit--?

Immediately, Janus's brain kicked in and the thoughts were silenced so suddenly that the abrupt blankness was _deafening_.

Janus's sense of self-preservation and self-care/kindness kicked in, even if just for a moment -- and he knew that no, Roman wouldn't be upset because Janus didn't want to get hit. 

It's a normal, and good, reaction.

Surely Roman must understand that.

Still, he felt a pang of sadness when Roman sounded so upset.

He made him upset.

It's all his fault.

Janus suddenly heard Roman talking to him.

"Janus, Jan, hey, you gotta-- gotta breathe, okay?" 

_What?_

_The fuck?_

Why in the fuck is he trying to.. _calm_ him?

Janus's mind got threw for a loop with that sentence.

In his surprise, he just.. the panic completely halted ( _more like, subsided just enough to be pushed to the back of his mind_ ) and he just blinked.

Slowly, incredulously.

What the actual hell?

_Why_ does he seem like he _cares_?

The panic came back, but quite a bit less than before -- however, he still couldn't breathe.

Janus wanted to hold Roman's hand, like he usually did when he was panicked, but then he'd feel bad for squeezing his hand so tightly so he'd stop but Roman would just reassure him and make him feel so much better and Roman was so sweet and-- 

The thought of Roman and his niceness choked a sob out of him, because of how he was thinking of him.

Roman wouldn't hit him, he scolded himself -- but he knew he didn't believe it in the slightest.

Janus wanted to shut off the back and forth in his head.

Roman seemed to know that, too.

Speaking of him, his boyfriend had been talking while he was thinking -- but Janus didn't hear or register any of it.

He went to speak but was quickly reminded of all the hyperventilating he just did.

Upon realizing that, he focused in on his breathing and noticed that while he wasn't hyperventilating anymore, his breathing was still fairly unsteady.

Janus tried to slow down and get control of his breathing, but he found that he couldn't. 

It was too hard.

And then all the thoughts start pouring back in.

And his breathing picked up again.

Roman acted quickly, and within seconds he was asking Janus to try and breathe with him.

Janus shook his head rapidly -- which was a terrible idea because it made him dizzy and now more nauseous than he was previously.

But it was probably fine, because he's nauseous a hell lot and rarely ever actually throws up.

"Janus. Hey, Jan?" Roman said, probably to get his attention -- he must've not responded to Roman for a bit too long. 

Janus's head snapped up and he stared at Roman, before realizing that his father hated eye-contact, especially when he was mad ( _but he also got in trouble for not making eye-contact -- but there was never any winning with his father, so it's to be expected_ ), so he trained his gaze to the floor.

"Can I touch you? I want to put your hand on my chest, so you can feel how I breathe and try to copy that, is that okay?" The gentleness in his voice was such a contrast to what Roman SHOULD be doing right now.

He should be hitting him.

But no, he's.. trying to calm him down?

After a moment, Janus, not trusting his voice, reached out to place his hand close to Roman's.

By then, Roman was on the floor sitting just far enough away from Janus that his state wouldn't worsen but that he was able to talk to him.

"Is that a 'yes'?" Roman asked, and was met with Janus tapping one finger on the ground below them.

He immediately recognized that as 'yes' -- it was something Logan and Virgil taught the whole group, that in case of a panic attack, or just a scenario where one of them couldn't or didn't want to talk, that one tap would be 'yes', two would be 'no', three would mean 'maybe', and four would mean 'not yet' or 'just a minute'. 

Roman relaxed, and slowly took Janus's hand, doing exactly what he'd said he'd do and placing his boyfriend's hand over his chest.

Janus was tense while he did so.

He was still pretty convinced that Roman was going to, at the VERY least, punish him in some way -- especially for the panic attack, so his touch was.. well, it was hard to imagine them doing anything but being kind and gentle and the thought that he'd soon know what it felt like was.. hard.

But it was so comforting..

Janus decided that he'd leech off of all the kindness he'd get before he got in trouble, and so, without much thought, he launched himself into Roman's arm.

Roman was taken aback, but quickly recovered and brought his arms up around his boyfriend.

He started rubbing circles on Janus's back ( _he'd said it was comforting, so that's what Roman was acting off of_ ).

He wanted to ask what happened, but he had a pretty damn good idea of what it was.

But.. why would it panic him so much so that it led to a panic attack? 

Then again, he'd never seen Roman angry before so that might've been a scare.

His heart sunk at the thought that _he_ was the reason for his love's panic attack.

He never wanted to hurt or scare him in any way, shape or form.

It'd just been building up for so long and Roman was feeling particularly insecure that day and he just.. snapped.

And fuck, he really regrets it. 

Janus seemed to be breathing okay-ish now.

"Good job, dear. You did so good. It's okay, it'll be okay, I'm gonna try to help you, yeah? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry honey, I never meant to scare you. What do you need right now, J?" He hadn't meant to go on a tangent like that, but in his defense, he felt absolutely terrible about making Janus feel so bad and wanted him to know that as soon as possible.

Janus buried his head deeper in Roman's chest and let out a small whimper.

The sound broke Roman's heart.

"Sweetie, please -- what do you need?" Roman's asked again, voice desperate and wanting so badly to help, but not knowing how to.

Unfortunately, Janus interpreted it as demanding, and promptly retracted from Roman's embrace, curling in on himself and anticipating the punishment, at last.

Surprisingly, none came, even after a solid minute.

Roman was just.. frozen.

Why'd he pull away so suddenly?

Why'd he curl in on himself immediately after doing so?

_'Is he afraid.. of me?'_

Another pained sound erupted from his throat, and Janus noted that it sounded like a kicked puppy.

Janus wanted to uncurl and go over to comfort his boyfriend, but the.. fear (?) outweighed it.

_Selfish, selfish, selfish_ , his brain repeats over and over, because why isn't he going over there? 

Because why is he still curled up in a defensive ball? 

Because why isn't he trying to help? 

Useless, useless, dumb, idiot, there's a reason why father hit you, there's a reason that Roman is going to, and you understand, you understand so why aren't you more accepting of it? 

Why do you try to hide from it? 

Why try to prevent the inevitable?

Selfish, _selfish, selfish_ \--

"Janus, I- I'm sorry.. I.. --" Roman was cut off as Janus rushed the words out, "I'm so sorry p-please don't hit me I swear I wasn't doing anything I'm sorry for hiding from you I'm sorry I'm sor-sorry please don't hit me I know I deserve it but please plea-please-" Janus choked up and a sob erupted from where he had slightly uncurled, if only to be heard better, because he didn't want to have to repeat himself.

Roman was.. reeling, from everything Janus just said.

_Hit him?_

Roman would never HIT him, why does he think he'd hit him?!

Was he a bad boyfriend?

Was he a terrible person?

Had he made his boyfriend like this before and not cared to notice or forgot.

No, no he wanted to believe that he didn't-- but he was doubting it, because why else would-

And then it hit him.

Janus avoided people raising their voice at all costs, and he'd get this foggy, faraway look in his eyes as he excused himself to the bathroom if someone did start to raise their voice, even just slightly, but Roman.. he'd noticed, of course, and he'd made a mental note to ask Janus about it but everytime he'd forgot and be reminded of it the next time it happened and he never got around to it.

Janus obviously got uncomfortable when someone was yelling, even if it was at at him.

If someone was yelling at the TV, the dog, someone else in the room, something else in the room -- it didn't matter, they all made Janus freeze and most of the time his facáde was firmly placed on, but on occasion it'd crack, just enough for it to be really concerning but that was before their relationship and they weren't like.. close, like that so Roman didn't feel like he was able to ask, and once they got into the relationship he'd just plain forgot.

If there was ever a time that Roman absolutely despised his shit memory, it was now.

Obviously something had happened with Janus to make him vulnerable to this sort of thing, and especially with how he reacted today -- what, with all the clear anger and aggression --, and given the fact that he'd never even really gotten legitimately mad at him.. oh god, he's such a piece of shit..

He made his boyfriend have a panic attack, and for what? 

Because his pathetic ass was insecure.

Taking his phone was already so out of line.. but slamming the door and the other stuff? 

Roman felt like the guilt was crushing him.

Ignoring his own feelings right now, because Janus was the one that mattered right now, he looked over at Janus who was crying into his knees.

"Jan, J, honey, it's okay, it's okay, I'm sorry dear -- I'm not mad, I'm not mad at you, not gonna yell at you, you're fine, you're okay."

Janus seemed to physically relax with that, but there was still visible tension and Roman wanted so desperately to be able to take it away.

"Hey, look, I'm going to go get your phone, okay? I'm so sorry for taking it, that was so rude, and I understand if you don't want or don't feel comfortable talking to me." Roman pushes himself up but before he can turn to leave, Janus whispers "Why haven't you hit me?" 

That, again, makes Roman reel.

"Oh, honey, no, I'd never ever ever hut you nor would I want to hit you. That's not okay, and please leave me if I ever so much as lay a hand on you without your explicit consent. I'd never hit you, ever. You don't deserve it, no one does, but especially not you. I don't know why you think I would, but I assure you, I wouldn't, and I'll have to have a word or two with anyone who thinks or has told you otherwise."

And Janus just lets out another sob.

He just looks up at Roman and does the grabby-hands.

Janus wants to hug his boyfriend, _especially_ now that he wouldn't hit him.

And so, that's how the rest of the night went, with Roman apologizing profusely for getting mad eariler and Janus crying and telling Roman what he thought would happen and Roman getting really upset that Janus thought those things and wanted to "have a word" with his father and Janus.. well, he never felt more safe.

And fuck, he'd wanted to feel safe like this for so long.

He wanted to feel "home", because his actual home never felt comfortable or good at all-- 

But now, he didn't think he'd have to worry about that too often.

Roman's safe.

He's comfortable.

He's.. _home_.

And neither of them would have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: 'what's it called when you can't handle men being slightly agitated? oh right: daddy issues' 😌✨
> 
> ""Oh, honey, no, I'd never ever ever hut you nor would I want to hit you. That's not okay, and please leave me if I ever so much as lay a hand on you without your explicit consent --" (A/N CONSENT IS HOT ASF BTW 😳👌)
> 
> "And then it hit him." (A/N but I just have to say that that is the best way to phrase that and no I'm not going to change it 💅)
> 
> Okay that's my commentary 👁️👄👁️ byee I was supposed to go to sleep two hours ago the last day of school for this year is tomorrow BYE 😔


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